A Bit Of A Journal Like Reflection

Howdy Y'all! I'm not entirely positive as to how to go about approaching this post as admittedly this may read more like a journal than a blog post that is meant to be shared with thousands of people. You see, recently I have been feeling a lot anxiety. I'm not talking about the mild types of anxiety that people often report living with, but rather this anxiety seems to be a whole being experience. I feel it in my body and in my soul when I am not distracting myself with classes or physical activity. For me, when I feel an emotion, especially an emotion that can be described as being difficult or painful to feel, I really feel it in my body. My throat begins to tense up and I get this feeling of being heavy and like I'm not supported by the ground under my feet. That is to say that I really freak out! Admittedly, if I were left to my own devices I would probably drive myself insane sometimes! Literately. 

Recently, this has been the case. As was mentioned in an earlier blog post (A Little Lesson That I Learned), I have been somewhat involved with an absolutely incredible man. While I was home with my family I spent a lot of time with them, so there wasn't much in the way of anxieties in response to the lack of texts/calls. At first it was very scary as when I was dating my ex I was so used to getting a text from him nearly every day. In many ways it was reassuring to hear from him daily. However, this is not the case with my man. While I don't like that I don't hear from him all the time (many woman wouldn't like this), I logically know that he has his own life. Emotionally though the little girl inside of me is kicking and screaming, "Why doesn't he just at least say hi! It's been three weeks!" This little girl is terrified and would rather go with a man who wouldn't really encourage her to grow. I believe that this little girl will always be there and she certainly serves a purpose. Just what it is I don't really know. Now, I know that if I really want the man of my dreams, that I have to let myself really feel the anxieties and fears that I am facing. Perhaps, I need to really let myself cry it out or scream into a pillow and release the tension that has built up in my body.

At times, I know that I am subconsciously comparing my man now with my former man. For me, this is a problem because I then subconsciously place blame on my man for the pains felt from another man. I'm blaming Kevin for something Tyler caused him. Perhaps, I never really fully felt the pain that came from perceiving Tyler ignoring me. The woman that I am continually growing into believes from the bottom of her heart that Kevin doesn't deserve that. She truly believes that he deserves a woman who will do her best to understand him and his challenges and his fears and desires. On some level we both deserve it. That is to say that I deserve to have fewer anxieties and he deserves to have compassion (something that can't be given without first understanding). Not too long ago I was reading an article on Renee Wade's blog. In the article she said something along the lines of, "When you feel pain in your relationship it's a sign that you need to grow." Now perhaps, all my anxieties in this past week are because I need to grow more into the woman that I imagine myself being. 

Now, I should probably ask myself, "Just what kind of woman am I aiming to be?" The woman that I imagine myself being is a woman who can really feel her pains and her joys because without the pains she would never appreciate the joys. A woman who knows at her core that she is a lovely and loving woman who has so much respect and admiration for her man. A woman who puts her man, her children, her family and herself as top priorities. A woman who loves herself so much that for her the only option is to continue growing because she refuses to go backwards. A woman who really helps people (I'm actually thinking about starting another blog once I finish my education that helps to make more sense of the confusing and overwhelming world of neuroscience). A woman who can look at her failures and genuinely say that she doesn't regret it. After all, how could she possibly appreciate the successes, whatever they may be, if she never experienced failure and disappointments. Perhaps, not a woman who has it all, but a woman who loves what she is living and a woman who loves her life. I must admit I want my cake and I damn well want to it too!

Keeping this in mind, this past week I feel like I have been moving backwards for the most part. For example, I feel like I have been nagging my man to come over and help me or to spend time with me. From what I learned (and probably actually need to go back and redo) I feel like this probably sounds to him something like, "Hey I'm reeeeaaaaallllly needy! I'm going to lock you up in a basement and cut your balls off and put them in a jar right in front of your face! I'm going to take away your life and your freedom!" Even as a woman, the idea of having someone controlling every aspect of my life is extremely off putting. In many ways, I imagine that it would make men and women feel like they are trusted or that they are incapable of doing anything. Now, that doesn't sound like it would make me feel loved and appreciated. And I don't imagine that it would make him feel trusted, respected, appreciated, or like he can keep his freedom! I know for me, I definitely want to honor both his needs and my needs. I know that it is totally possible for both needs and desires to be fulfilled by a single human being. That is to say that it is possible to honor his need for freedom, trust, and respect while honoring my need for security, love and safety. Getting back on track, while I was nagging him it hit me while I was lying in bed and feeling bad for myself that I don't really need his help to put anything away or to finish moving. That's not what I really wanted at all. What I really wanted (and still do) is to see him. The truth is, that deep down, I really just miss him. Yet, I am so afraid of being that vulnerable with him. 

Do I really care about where this goes? Or would I rather take the safer path and not show him my vulnerability and really show him how I feel all because I'm so worried about showing up as low value. Well, doesn't worrying so much about being low value make me low value? That is I have worried myself so much about nagging him and not adding any value, that I haven't really added any value to his life. Equally, as bad, this worrying as caused me to not be authentic and genuine with him. It says I value my fears over him. Deep down that's not what I want I'm just scared. I'm scared that I'll mess this up and that I'll never have the beautiful babies that I want. That I'll never have security or the love of a man that I so desperately desire. 

I really am doing myself and my man a disservice in lying to myself. If I'm so busy lying to myself how can I possibly be open to him? I can't. He deserves to have a woman who will be honest and open with him. Not just in thought but in actions as well. 

Feel free to leave a comment below and share any experiences that you have had. Any thoughts or feelings welcomed!

A Little Lesson That I Learned

Hello lovely! I write to you today sitting in a chair covered with a blanket trying to keep warm. Since moving to So. Cal about a year and a half ago I have become somewhat sensitive to the cold.Well more than I was before. While it hardly ever rains here, this weekend has been a bit of a gloomy weekend, and it has given me some extra time to do a bit of self reflection.

I was talking with a friend today about our summers and what we have done for the past two and a half months (time really does go by quickly). She was telling me about how she was going through some difficult things. As I was talking with her I started thinking about everything that I had been through in the past year. I had met an amazing man who later broke up with me, suffered a great deal, and then had the privilege of meeting a second amazing man. I remembered feeling like I was the biggest failure of a woman and that it was all my fault that the first relationship didn't work out. I remembered how much I had hated him those first several months and how I just wanted him to disappear but I didn't at the same time. I didn't really want him to disappear. What I really wanted was for him to come back into my life. I didn't want to accept what was happening. I remembered what it was it felt like to be in this place of limbo and just wanting to understand what happened. I remembered the confusion that I felt and my blindness and refusal to see that he too had pain. I didn't want to see that. It was easier, safer not to see that.  Yet, that wasn't what I wanted. It didn't feel right to me. I felt vindictive towards him but I didn't want to be.  I was angry and frustrated for all the crap advice out there. I felt like hardly anyone was listening to me! And I took it out on him even though I knew he wasn't to blame. No one was to blame. I just thought there had to be someone to blame. So I blamed myself. After all, I felt it was my failure to be a good enough woman that caused the relationship to fail. 

As I was talking to my friend I also thought about the man that I admire so much. I thought about how he had gone something very similar to my friend. I found myself wondering what it must have been like for him. I imagined that it must have been his worst nightmare come to life. I imagined that he felt used for his resources, that he felt like a failure as a man (this is probably a man's worst fear!), and the confusion and pain that accompanies all of that. I don't fully understand what it must have been like for him because I've never been engaged, but I imagine that that's what it must have been like for him. I can only imagine what it must have been like based on my own limited experiences. I also thought about my journey to begin understanding where a man may be coming from. I really reflected about why I decided to begin this journey as uncertain and unknown as it is. 

What I found is that I didn't want to feel those feelings again. I didn't want to feel like a failure as a woman nor did I want to believe that I was a failure because I wasn't enough. Before I thought I believed it and at the time I did. After experiencing the pain and disappointment and confusion of a break up I really began to question if I really was enough. I feared that a man would never want me again. As I was remembering all of this, I thought about how during that time of immense pain and suffering that I was only ever focused on my pain. I wasn't even remotely concerned about the suffering that I may have been causing him or the others around me. Looking back, I believe I may have started getting on some of my friends nerves. At the time though, I didn't care. I only knew that I was in pain and that I was hurt and it felt like it was never going to end. 

After meeting the man who completely captivates me and has my respect and admiration, I began to look outside of myself. I had started to before I had met him after a few months, but I only noticed the hurt of others on a superficial level. As I was talking to my friend today, I realized  that the reason I can feel all of this is because I had appreciated his energy. Even as I sit here writing to you I can feel this tingling in my body as I continue to have a growing admiration for this man. Despite the hundreds of miles between him and I, I can feel his energy. The energy of a man who knows exactly what his life mission is and will do anything to achieve it. The energy of a man who can provided. So much so that I have no doubt of his ability to provide for me our future children if I were to be so blessed. The energy of a man who has experienced extreme pain and who is willing to risk feeling it gain with the possibility of experiencing something so incredible that words fail to even begin describing it. 

I don't believe that it is love because love takes time and nurturing to grow. Love comes about as positive associations are built between two people,as attraction grows, and as precious irreplaceable memories are made between two people. What I am describing as feeling is a whole being sensation of appreciation, respect, and admiration. 

I further noticed as I was talking to my friend that with my ex-boyfriend I never actually dreamed of a life with him until after we broke up. I never dreamed of a life with him while we were together. However, with my man now (that's how I feel about him, that he is my man), I dream of all the things that we could share together. All of the activities that we could do together, and what life with him would be like. 

Even more so, I realized that I never would have began this journey to understand a man's needs (generally speaking) are in a relationship and what their fears are if I had never experienced any of my pains and sufferings as well as the joys and loves of the past year. I would most likely have been content with not understanding. And yet, if I never made the decision to really understand a man's needs and fears, I could never give my man the compassion and understanding that he deserves. 

I believe that compassion has become rare. It's not everywhere. If it were then no one would spend their lives searching for it. 

In talking to my friend today, I also thought about why it was that I wanted to be in a relationship again. After all I had told myself, "Going through the pain of a break up fuckin' sucked! I don't ever want to go through that again." And I don't. What I found was that I wanted to feel like I was loved and valuable. I wanted to feel like I could be safe enough with a man to have children. And what I realized was that in order to get that, I first had to be willing to be vulnerable. 

I have to be willing to be vulnerable first.

If I am not willing to be vulnerable first and to care enough about where this relationship goes, how can I ever expect this man to be inspired to want to be deeply committed to me? As far as I'm concerned, I can't. 

You see, I believe that if we don't have at least a basic understanding then we can't really have compassion for another person.

Take a second to think about it. If you are in a friendship or romantic relationship and you feel that the person who you are with doesn't  understand you, do you feel like they care about you? Do you full filled and loved? Do you feel like they have compassion for you? Really ask yourself these questions and really look for the core answers to these questions. 

For me the answer is no. When I feel that a person doesn't understand me that I'm not important to them or that they don't really care about me but rather they care about how they appear to other people. 

However, I also believe that sometimes, it can be difficult to understand some perspectives or experiences and feelings when we ourselves haven't had similar experiences or feelings before. In fact, even when two people have experienced similar situations or feelings there can still be some misunderstanding. I believe this is because every single one of us has our own perspective or own lens through which we see life.

Share your thoughts and feelings below!

Where Hate Stems From

It seems to me that there is more and more hate in the world and less love and compassion. This got me to thinking, "Where does all this hate stem from?" and "What does that mean for us?" After pondering where hate comes form for several years, I have come to the conclusion that ultimately hate steams from two things.

1. From a lack of understanding.
2. Fear, which in turn comes from lack of understanding.

I believe that all hate stems from these two ideas, though at the root of it all it builds up from lack of understanding of one another. 

You see, in my experience I have noticed that more often than not we have become lazy. I am just as guilty as everyone else of this. By lazy I mean that we all at some point or another in our lives have either made conclusion based on information that we either don't understand or we don't wish to understand OR we simply don't want to understand something different from us.  

To give you an example, in the U.S. there as been an increased hate of the Islam religion. However, if you were to ask 100 random people in an every day crowd, many could not tell you what it is that Islam stands for; what it believes. Now, I'm not claiming to completely understand or even really understand the Islam religion in depth, but rather I am trying to point out that many people make the generalization that all Muslims are terrorist despite not really understanding anything about the religion.

Now, I know that if I were to talk and connect with 100 people who practice the Islam religion that more likely than not none of them would be terrorist or even have the intention of hurting anyone. In fact, every person that I have come to know who follow the religion are some of the most insightful and caring people I have had the pleasure of knowing. So much for all Muslims wanting to hurt us!

I believe that I this lack of understanding ultimately leads to sweeping generalizations which then leads to fear. It is when this lack of understanding leads to fear that hate has the potential to form. However, it is when we actively choose to not understand what we are afraid of and make decisions about whatever it is causing us fear. It is when we react out of this fear and continue to not understand our fear, that hate forms.

We must take a step back though and realize that fear is not rational so we can not make a logical argument to someone who is fearful of something. This also applies to hate, we cannot give a logical reason for someone to not hate what it is that the person hates. 

So what can we do about hate?

We are not able to control the actions of others. Let alone convince them to face their fears (assuming that a person's hate stems from fear and lack of understanding). Some people don't want to face their fears. But we do posses ownership over our own fears and actions. It has been in my experience we as human beings must commit ourselves to dealing and working through our fears and come to a deep understanding and appreciation. That is not to say that we should ignore our fears or make them smaller than what they really are to ourselves. What I am trying to get say is that in order for us to prevent becoming so hateful we must take full responsibility for our actions and move forward through our fears.

In order to reduce the amount of hate that is in the world today, it must start from within us. It begins with a desire to understand what it is that we fear. Many many years ago fear served a purpose (it could even still serve a purpose such as to avoid danger). The question that need to be asked is "Does my fear serve myself or others in a non hateful way? Am I in immediate danger or do I make devastating generalizations and decisions from my own fear?"

Questions? Comments? 

The Right Reasons to Lose Weight.

Hello Lovlies!

Now I'm not sure about you, but I have always struggled with my weight. I was always the chunky little girl who was harassed about her weight. In desperation to get my weight down, my parents placed me on a diet. They had good intentions but the diet didn't really help. They simply wanted me to be healthy. Throughout my childhood my parents were open about their concerns with my weight, but my weight was really a hot topic amongst everyone in my extended family though it was never openly and constructively discussed with me. It was always about me.

Naturally, this had a lasting impact on me. I really became obsessed with my weight. I weighed my self approximately six times a day. Exercises for seven hours a day. Eat little. And eventually,I even began taking laxatives for the sake of being thin and getting the result. I did get the result. I was thin, so I must have been beautiful. At least that was what I believed. Now, I will never be that size zero lady. Well, maybe I could be if I went to a surgeon and said, "Hey doc, you wanna remove some ribs and shave my hips?" Otherwise I will never be that small. 

Now though, I don't want to be that small. I want to be healthy and at a healthy weight. Healthy is what it truly beautiful. 

So, for what reasons should we lose weight?

1. For yourself.
2. To be healthy and increase your own personal overall wellness.

Reasons that we should not lose weight.

1. To get the love and acceptance of others.
2. For others.
3. To meet the beauty standards that are constantly imposed upon us.

Often, women loose weight for the wrong reasons! I believe that many women loose weight in the hopes of receiving love and acceptance of others. They, myself included, go through this stage where we worry about our weight for the sake of others and to meet beauty standards. 

The latest trend seems to be the thigh gap. If you haven't seen college humor's video on the "evolution of the thigh gap" take a look.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omAb1Cgvg7A

While the video mocks the idea of the thigh gap, I feel that its point still stands. The whole idea of aiming for the thigh gap is frankly, ridiculous. In fact, we often believe that if we have a thigh gap that men will be more attracted to us. I too used to believe this until one day I was having a conversation with my ex.

We had just gone to the movies and seen Monsters University. On the way back to his apartment, I asked him what his opinion was on the thigh gap. At first he just gave me this kind of confused look and said, "What the hell is that?" I explained to him that it's literately just a gap between the thighs. He wasn't able to really wrap his head around it.    

Then it hit me. If men were really into the thigh gap, then wouldn't he have had a very distinct opinion on the thigh gap?

To give you another example, I recently asked a male friend of my mine his thoughts on the thigh gap. You know what he said? "It's useless."

Now I understand that this may be an over generalization of all men's thoughts on the thigh gap. And for some men, the thigh gap is truly a must but then again if he was really that into the tThigh gap, then he probably isn't worth your time.

I remember being a young teenager and looking at all of the actresses and how thin and beautiful they were. Have you ever seen a magazine cover that really celebrated a woman for her natural beauty? I can honestly say that I have never seen one.  

So with all the media advertisement of being super thin it can be really difficult to determine when thin is too thin. I can't tell you when too thin is for you. There are some questions you  can ask yourself however before you even begin to loose weight.

• Am I doing this for me and noone else?
• What is my goal weight? Is it reasonable and in a healthy range?
• Why do I want to loose weight? What is my intent?
• What am I chasing in loosing weight?

In my struggle to loose and maintain my weight, I have discovered a few key insights.

1. When looking to loose weight it should come from a place of love for yourself.
2. In order to loose weight and keep it off, it requires a complete life change.
• What I mean by this is that to keep off the weight we must be willing to moderate what we eat, how much we eat, and become active on a regular basis.

This may seem like a "Well no shit sherlock kind of deal" but for common sense it sure seems like we have forgotten it. Or perhaps we have buried it away so deeply that we simply don't want to acknowledge it.

What are your thoughts on the beauty standards? The thigh gap? Leave a comment below!