A Little Lesson That I Learned

Hello lovely! I write to you today sitting in a chair covered with a blanket trying to keep warm. Since moving to So. Cal about a year and a half ago I have become somewhat sensitive to the cold.Well more than I was before. While it hardly ever rains here, this weekend has been a bit of a gloomy weekend, and it has given me some extra time to do a bit of self reflection.

I was talking with a friend today about our summers and what we have done for the past two and a half months (time really does go by quickly). She was telling me about how she was going through some difficult things. As I was talking with her I started thinking about everything that I had been through in the past year. I had met an amazing man who later broke up with me, suffered a great deal, and then had the privilege of meeting a second amazing man. I remembered feeling like I was the biggest failure of a woman and that it was all my fault that the first relationship didn't work out. I remembered how much I had hated him those first several months and how I just wanted him to disappear but I didn't at the same time. I didn't really want him to disappear. What I really wanted was for him to come back into my life. I didn't want to accept what was happening. I remembered what it was it felt like to be in this place of limbo and just wanting to understand what happened. I remembered the confusion that I felt and my blindness and refusal to see that he too had pain. I didn't want to see that. It was easier, safer not to see that.  Yet, that wasn't what I wanted. It didn't feel right to me. I felt vindictive towards him but I didn't want to be.  I was angry and frustrated for all the crap advice out there. I felt like hardly anyone was listening to me! And I took it out on him even though I knew he wasn't to blame. No one was to blame. I just thought there had to be someone to blame. So I blamed myself. After all, I felt it was my failure to be a good enough woman that caused the relationship to fail. 

As I was talking to my friend I also thought about the man that I admire so much. I thought about how he had gone something very similar to my friend. I found myself wondering what it must have been like for him. I imagined that it must have been his worst nightmare come to life. I imagined that he felt used for his resources, that he felt like a failure as a man (this is probably a man's worst fear!), and the confusion and pain that accompanies all of that. I don't fully understand what it must have been like for him because I've never been engaged, but I imagine that that's what it must have been like for him. I can only imagine what it must have been like based on my own limited experiences. I also thought about my journey to begin understanding where a man may be coming from. I really reflected about why I decided to begin this journey as uncertain and unknown as it is. 

What I found is that I didn't want to feel those feelings again. I didn't want to feel like a failure as a woman nor did I want to believe that I was a failure because I wasn't enough. Before I thought I believed it and at the time I did. After experiencing the pain and disappointment and confusion of a break up I really began to question if I really was enough. I feared that a man would never want me again. As I was remembering all of this, I thought about how during that time of immense pain and suffering that I was only ever focused on my pain. I wasn't even remotely concerned about the suffering that I may have been causing him or the others around me. Looking back, I believe I may have started getting on some of my friends nerves. At the time though, I didn't care. I only knew that I was in pain and that I was hurt and it felt like it was never going to end. 

After meeting the man who completely captivates me and has my respect and admiration, I began to look outside of myself. I had started to before I had met him after a few months, but I only noticed the hurt of others on a superficial level. As I was talking to my friend today, I realized  that the reason I can feel all of this is because I had appreciated his energy. Even as I sit here writing to you I can feel this tingling in my body as I continue to have a growing admiration for this man. Despite the hundreds of miles between him and I, I can feel his energy. The energy of a man who knows exactly what his life mission is and will do anything to achieve it. The energy of a man who can provided. So much so that I have no doubt of his ability to provide for me our future children if I were to be so blessed. The energy of a man who has experienced extreme pain and who is willing to risk feeling it gain with the possibility of experiencing something so incredible that words fail to even begin describing it. 

I don't believe that it is love because love takes time and nurturing to grow. Love comes about as positive associations are built between two people,as attraction grows, and as precious irreplaceable memories are made between two people. What I am describing as feeling is a whole being sensation of appreciation, respect, and admiration. 

I further noticed as I was talking to my friend that with my ex-boyfriend I never actually dreamed of a life with him until after we broke up. I never dreamed of a life with him while we were together. However, with my man now (that's how I feel about him, that he is my man), I dream of all the things that we could share together. All of the activities that we could do together, and what life with him would be like. 

Even more so, I realized that I never would have began this journey to understand a man's needs (generally speaking) are in a relationship and what their fears are if I had never experienced any of my pains and sufferings as well as the joys and loves of the past year. I would most likely have been content with not understanding. And yet, if I never made the decision to really understand a man's needs and fears, I could never give my man the compassion and understanding that he deserves. 

I believe that compassion has become rare. It's not everywhere. If it were then no one would spend their lives searching for it. 

In talking to my friend today, I also thought about why it was that I wanted to be in a relationship again. After all I had told myself, "Going through the pain of a break up fuckin' sucked! I don't ever want to go through that again." And I don't. What I found was that I wanted to feel like I was loved and valuable. I wanted to feel like I could be safe enough with a man to have children. And what I realized was that in order to get that, I first had to be willing to be vulnerable. 

I have to be willing to be vulnerable first.

If I am not willing to be vulnerable first and to care enough about where this relationship goes, how can I ever expect this man to be inspired to want to be deeply committed to me? As far as I'm concerned, I can't. 

You see, I believe that if we don't have at least a basic understanding then we can't really have compassion for another person.

Take a second to think about it. If you are in a friendship or romantic relationship and you feel that the person who you are with doesn't  understand you, do you feel like they care about you? Do you full filled and loved? Do you feel like they have compassion for you? Really ask yourself these questions and really look for the core answers to these questions. 

For me the answer is no. When I feel that a person doesn't understand me that I'm not important to them or that they don't really care about me but rather they care about how they appear to other people. 

However, I also believe that sometimes, it can be difficult to understand some perspectives or experiences and feelings when we ourselves haven't had similar experiences or feelings before. In fact, even when two people have experienced similar situations or feelings there can still be some misunderstanding. I believe this is because every single one of us has our own perspective or own lens through which we see life.

Share your thoughts and feelings below!

Where Hate Stems From

It seems to me that there is more and more hate in the world and less love and compassion. This got me to thinking, "Where does all this hate stem from?" and "What does that mean for us?" After pondering where hate comes form for several years, I have come to the conclusion that ultimately hate steams from two things.

1. From a lack of understanding.
2. Fear, which in turn comes from lack of understanding.

I believe that all hate stems from these two ideas, though at the root of it all it builds up from lack of understanding of one another. 

You see, in my experience I have noticed that more often than not we have become lazy. I am just as guilty as everyone else of this. By lazy I mean that we all at some point or another in our lives have either made conclusion based on information that we either don't understand or we don't wish to understand OR we simply don't want to understand something different from us.  

To give you an example, in the U.S. there as been an increased hate of the Islam religion. However, if you were to ask 100 random people in an every day crowd, many could not tell you what it is that Islam stands for; what it believes. Now, I'm not claiming to completely understand or even really understand the Islam religion in depth, but rather I am trying to point out that many people make the generalization that all Muslims are terrorist despite not really understanding anything about the religion.

Now, I know that if I were to talk and connect with 100 people who practice the Islam religion that more likely than not none of them would be terrorist or even have the intention of hurting anyone. In fact, every person that I have come to know who follow the religion are some of the most insightful and caring people I have had the pleasure of knowing. So much for all Muslims wanting to hurt us!

I believe that I this lack of understanding ultimately leads to sweeping generalizations which then leads to fear. It is when this lack of understanding leads to fear that hate has the potential to form. However, it is when we actively choose to not understand what we are afraid of and make decisions about whatever it is causing us fear. It is when we react out of this fear and continue to not understand our fear, that hate forms.

We must take a step back though and realize that fear is not rational so we can not make a logical argument to someone who is fearful of something. This also applies to hate, we cannot give a logical reason for someone to not hate what it is that the person hates. 

So what can we do about hate?

We are not able to control the actions of others. Let alone convince them to face their fears (assuming that a person's hate stems from fear and lack of understanding). Some people don't want to face their fears. But we do posses ownership over our own fears and actions. It has been in my experience we as human beings must commit ourselves to dealing and working through our fears and come to a deep understanding and appreciation. That is not to say that we should ignore our fears or make them smaller than what they really are to ourselves. What I am trying to get say is that in order for us to prevent becoming so hateful we must take full responsibility for our actions and move forward through our fears.

In order to reduce the amount of hate that is in the world today, it must start from within us. It begins with a desire to understand what it is that we fear. Many many years ago fear served a purpose (it could even still serve a purpose such as to avoid danger). The question that need to be asked is "Does my fear serve myself or others in a non hateful way? Am I in immediate danger or do I make devastating generalizations and decisions from my own fear?"

Questions? Comments? 

Why Ignoring Differences Is Actually Dangerous

A Caveat: Before getting into the flow of this post, I feel that I must put a disclaimer of sorts here. Due to the nature of this post I would like to say that I am all for equal rights (i.e. gay rights, women's rights, etc.). I believe that these movements are examples of groups of people who have been denied rights that never should have been denied. They have been denied human rights which I believe stem from the fear of differences.

Now with that out of the way, I'll get going with the flow of this post. Many times it seems that the topic of differences is a topic of great controversy. It presses these emotional buttons. I believe this is because when people discuss things such as the differences in sexes, cultures, ethnicities, etc. that it is discussed in a negative view point. By this I mean when we as human beings talk about these differences, we often frame it in such a way that it is perceived as a bad thing to discuss our differences. In my experiences, for me this stems from an unconscious belief that differences in people, sexes, whatever it may be is innately bad. Over the past year or two, I reflected on this and one day I woke up so to speak and I thought, "Differences aren't bad. They're simply differences and nothing more." That is to say that the differences themselves are neither good nor bad but that they just are. You see, I believe that what makes differences good or bad is our emotional assignment of good or bad.

I'll say that again.

What makes differences good or bad is our personal emotional assignment of good or bad.

Take a moment and let that sink in.

When we think about differences from this view point, I find that I am less defensive about the differences.

Let me give you an example of differences that are often extremely controversial when we go in with the mindset that differences are good or bad; that speaking of differences is looking to prove that one is better, more powerful, more efficient, etc.. We all know that there are clear differences between men and women. We even say that these differences go deeper than the physical sex organs. Yet, when a conversation about these differences arise there are often mixed reactions. Some are defensive (I have been defensive about various differences myself) and others are more open to the idea that these differences are innate. That they are ingrained into us--hardwired really (I'm talking differences that are purely due to a difference in the sexes and not our individual differences). Though this post is not about the differences of men and women (if you would like to better understand this differences I would like to suggest taking a look at www.thefemininewoman.com).

So how exactly does this get at the point? How does this lead myself to believe that ignoring differences is actually dangerous? 

You see, I believe that when we both actively and unconsciously ignore the differences that are present amongst many people across vast amounts of cultures that we further exaggerate our personal molds into what people should do, what they look like, what they should be. This is what makes ignoring of differences so incredibly dangerous. In my experience, we all have this expectations that people should behave in the way that we want them to. That they should do what we want them to do. That is to say that when we make differences wrong we close ourselves off to countless possibilities. We actively choose to make ourselves smaller. 

So what can we do about it?

I believe that embracing and genuinely appreciating the differences leads to a deeper understanding and a better ability to open ourselves up to openly and honestly connect with people from all walks of life. This leads to an expanding of our horizons and brings us a step closer to becoming the best man or woman that we can be.

Questions? Thoughts? Leave a comment below.