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It’s been some time since I have written to you all. I’ve been so busy this past month that I can’t believe how fast the month has gone and that we have entered the wonderful season of everything pumpkin (pumpkin latte anyone?). It’s no wonder that the month has flown by with everything that has been happening recently. Starting a new job, meeting new people and nurturing lasting relationships, coming up with a research proposal and thus a senior project. It’s both amazing and terrifying how quickly time passes. Recently, I’ve even had some time to relax and do some fun girly things. However, lately one topic has really been dominating my thoughts.

What does it mean to me be emotionally open?

That is to say what does it mean to me to not be guarded emotionally? And furthermore, what does it take for me to be open and honest about my emotions? And how does my expression of emotions affect the people around me? How does it affect how I carry myself?

You see, sometimes I really feel that I can be all talk—like because I tell someone to be confident and to not worry, that I should always be confident and never worry. That I should never have any insecurities or get embarrassed or feel humiliated about something that has happened. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. That feeling that perhaps you’re nothing but a fake. That feeling of doubt that you’re actually doing the opposite of what you intended. Y’know that feeling. It was interesting for me, as I was recently laying in bed thinking about my man and how I was very much upset about not seeing him for four months (I had gone home to Southern California two weeks after meeting him for three months). Anyways, I was lying in bed one night and I was crying because I had had a really rough week and I was crying because I wanted nothing more than to see him. I became naggy and demanding—I wanted him to come and see me, but I it had never even crossed my mind that I could make the effort to go and see him. I was lying there and I realized that I love this man. I love that he works so hard and that he is so focused (while I am often a bit scattered) that he is so understanding and forgiving.

I was recently talking with a friend of mine as he was getting ready to go to a party, and he said to me, “You’ve mellowed out over the summer. I don’t know what it was but it mellowed you out. You use to be a real uptight bitch. More than you are now.” I thought about it and I said, “It’s probably all the shit that went down with Tyler (my ex)” and he said, “Probably.” I thought about it some more and I told him, “You know what, I owe Tyler. If it wasn’t for him and the awful crap that followed after the break up, I don’t think that I could have had any compassion for Kevin and what he’s gone through.” You see, the man that I love so much as suffered greatly. He was once engaged and then his ex-fiancé break it off with him. Telling him that she wanted to sleep with other men. I won’t pretend to get it because I don’t get it. I don’t believe that I will ever get the aching pain that must accompany such an awful experience. However, I do believe that I can have compassion for him. I believe that if I had never experienced heart ache that I couldn’t even begin to have compassion for him. I also believe that, from my heart of hearts, that we don’t stop loving our past loves, rather we make more love and give more love.

Yet, I know that love isn't alway smooth or always on a high note. I believe that love is having respect for my partner and for myself through the highs and the lows. The thick and the thin. I am an emotional being–an emotional spirit. I experience many emotions in a week and in a single week. It's perfectly normal for me. However, I also know that my soul holds on to past events, past feelings. From time to time these past feelings come forth from their deep depths. Occasionally, I worry that I project these past emotions onto people who are currently in my life. 

A Bit Of A Journal Like Reflection

Howdy Y'all! I'm not entirely positive as to how to go about approaching this post as admittedly this may read more like a journal than a blog post that is meant to be shared with thousands of people. You see, recently I have been feeling a lot anxiety. I'm not talking about the mild types of anxiety that people often report living with, but rather this anxiety seems to be a whole being experience. I feel it in my body and in my soul when I am not distracting myself with classes or physical activity. For me, when I feel an emotion, especially an emotion that can be described as being difficult or painful to feel, I really feel it in my body. My throat begins to tense up and I get this feeling of being heavy and like I'm not supported by the ground under my feet. That is to say that I really freak out! Admittedly, if I were left to my own devices I would probably drive myself insane sometimes! Literately. 

Recently, this has been the case. As was mentioned in an earlier blog post (A Little Lesson That I Learned), I have been somewhat involved with an absolutely incredible man. While I was home with my family I spent a lot of time with them, so there wasn't much in the way of anxieties in response to the lack of texts/calls. At first it was very scary as when I was dating my ex I was so used to getting a text from him nearly every day. In many ways it was reassuring to hear from him daily. However, this is not the case with my man. While I don't like that I don't hear from him all the time (many woman wouldn't like this), I logically know that he has his own life. Emotionally though the little girl inside of me is kicking and screaming, "Why doesn't he just at least say hi! It's been three weeks!" This little girl is terrified and would rather go with a man who wouldn't really encourage her to grow. I believe that this little girl will always be there and she certainly serves a purpose. Just what it is I don't really know. Now, I know that if I really want the man of my dreams, that I have to let myself really feel the anxieties and fears that I am facing. Perhaps, I need to really let myself cry it out or scream into a pillow and release the tension that has built up in my body.

At times, I know that I am subconsciously comparing my man now with my former man. For me, this is a problem because I then subconsciously place blame on my man for the pains felt from another man. I'm blaming Kevin for something Tyler caused him. Perhaps, I never really fully felt the pain that came from perceiving Tyler ignoring me. The woman that I am continually growing into believes from the bottom of her heart that Kevin doesn't deserve that. She truly believes that he deserves a woman who will do her best to understand him and his challenges and his fears and desires. On some level we both deserve it. That is to say that I deserve to have fewer anxieties and he deserves to have compassion (something that can't be given without first understanding). Not too long ago I was reading an article on Renee Wade's blog. In the article she said something along the lines of, "When you feel pain in your relationship it's a sign that you need to grow." Now perhaps, all my anxieties in this past week are because I need to grow more into the woman that I imagine myself being. 

Now, I should probably ask myself, "Just what kind of woman am I aiming to be?" The woman that I imagine myself being is a woman who can really feel her pains and her joys because without the pains she would never appreciate the joys. A woman who knows at her core that she is a lovely and loving woman who has so much respect and admiration for her man. A woman who puts her man, her children, her family and herself as top priorities. A woman who loves herself so much that for her the only option is to continue growing because she refuses to go backwards. A woman who really helps people (I'm actually thinking about starting another blog once I finish my education that helps to make more sense of the confusing and overwhelming world of neuroscience). A woman who can look at her failures and genuinely say that she doesn't regret it. After all, how could she possibly appreciate the successes, whatever they may be, if she never experienced failure and disappointments. Perhaps, not a woman who has it all, but a woman who loves what she is living and a woman who loves her life. I must admit I want my cake and I damn well want to it too!

Keeping this in mind, this past week I feel like I have been moving backwards for the most part. For example, I feel like I have been nagging my man to come over and help me or to spend time with me. From what I learned (and probably actually need to go back and redo) I feel like this probably sounds to him something like, "Hey I'm reeeeaaaaallllly needy! I'm going to lock you up in a basement and cut your balls off and put them in a jar right in front of your face! I'm going to take away your life and your freedom!" Even as a woman, the idea of having someone controlling every aspect of my life is extremely off putting. In many ways, I imagine that it would make men and women feel like they are trusted or that they are incapable of doing anything. Now, that doesn't sound like it would make me feel loved and appreciated. And I don't imagine that it would make him feel trusted, respected, appreciated, or like he can keep his freedom! I know for me, I definitely want to honor both his needs and my needs. I know that it is totally possible for both needs and desires to be fulfilled by a single human being. That is to say that it is possible to honor his need for freedom, trust, and respect while honoring my need for security, love and safety. Getting back on track, while I was nagging him it hit me while I was lying in bed and feeling bad for myself that I don't really need his help to put anything away or to finish moving. That's not what I really wanted at all. What I really wanted (and still do) is to see him. The truth is, that deep down, I really just miss him. Yet, I am so afraid of being that vulnerable with him. 

Do I really care about where this goes? Or would I rather take the safer path and not show him my vulnerability and really show him how I feel all because I'm so worried about showing up as low value. Well, doesn't worrying so much about being low value make me low value? That is I have worried myself so much about nagging him and not adding any value, that I haven't really added any value to his life. Equally, as bad, this worrying as caused me to not be authentic and genuine with him. It says I value my fears over him. Deep down that's not what I want I'm just scared. I'm scared that I'll mess this up and that I'll never have the beautiful babies that I want. That I'll never have security or the love of a man that I so desperately desire. 

I really am doing myself and my man a disservice in lying to myself. If I'm so busy lying to myself how can I possibly be open to him? I can't. He deserves to have a woman who will be honest and open with him. Not just in thought but in actions as well. 

Feel free to leave a comment below and share any experiences that you have had. Any thoughts or feelings welcomed!

A Little Lesson That I Learned

Hello lovely! I write to you today sitting in a chair covered with a blanket trying to keep warm. Since moving to So. Cal about a year and a half ago I have become somewhat sensitive to the cold.Well more than I was before. While it hardly ever rains here, this weekend has been a bit of a gloomy weekend, and it has given me some extra time to do a bit of self reflection.

I was talking with a friend today about our summers and what we have done for the past two and a half months (time really does go by quickly). She was telling me about how she was going through some difficult things. As I was talking with her I started thinking about everything that I had been through in the past year. I had met an amazing man who later broke up with me, suffered a great deal, and then had the privilege of meeting a second amazing man. I remembered feeling like I was the biggest failure of a woman and that it was all my fault that the first relationship didn't work out. I remembered how much I had hated him those first several months and how I just wanted him to disappear but I didn't at the same time. I didn't really want him to disappear. What I really wanted was for him to come back into my life. I didn't want to accept what was happening. I remembered what it was it felt like to be in this place of limbo and just wanting to understand what happened. I remembered the confusion that I felt and my blindness and refusal to see that he too had pain. I didn't want to see that. It was easier, safer not to see that.  Yet, that wasn't what I wanted. It didn't feel right to me. I felt vindictive towards him but I didn't want to be.  I was angry and frustrated for all the crap advice out there. I felt like hardly anyone was listening to me! And I took it out on him even though I knew he wasn't to blame. No one was to blame. I just thought there had to be someone to blame. So I blamed myself. After all, I felt it was my failure to be a good enough woman that caused the relationship to fail. 

As I was talking to my friend I also thought about the man that I admire so much. I thought about how he had gone something very similar to my friend. I found myself wondering what it must have been like for him. I imagined that it must have been his worst nightmare come to life. I imagined that he felt used for his resources, that he felt like a failure as a man (this is probably a man's worst fear!), and the confusion and pain that accompanies all of that. I don't fully understand what it must have been like for him because I've never been engaged, but I imagine that that's what it must have been like for him. I can only imagine what it must have been like based on my own limited experiences. I also thought about my journey to begin understanding where a man may be coming from. I really reflected about why I decided to begin this journey as uncertain and unknown as it is. 

What I found is that I didn't want to feel those feelings again. I didn't want to feel like a failure as a woman nor did I want to believe that I was a failure because I wasn't enough. Before I thought I believed it and at the time I did. After experiencing the pain and disappointment and confusion of a break up I really began to question if I really was enough. I feared that a man would never want me again. As I was remembering all of this, I thought about how during that time of immense pain and suffering that I was only ever focused on my pain. I wasn't even remotely concerned about the suffering that I may have been causing him or the others around me. Looking back, I believe I may have started getting on some of my friends nerves. At the time though, I didn't care. I only knew that I was in pain and that I was hurt and it felt like it was never going to end. 

After meeting the man who completely captivates me and has my respect and admiration, I began to look outside of myself. I had started to before I had met him after a few months, but I only noticed the hurt of others on a superficial level. As I was talking to my friend today, I realized  that the reason I can feel all of this is because I had appreciated his energy. Even as I sit here writing to you I can feel this tingling in my body as I continue to have a growing admiration for this man. Despite the hundreds of miles between him and I, I can feel his energy. The energy of a man who knows exactly what his life mission is and will do anything to achieve it. The energy of a man who can provided. So much so that I have no doubt of his ability to provide for me our future children if I were to be so blessed. The energy of a man who has experienced extreme pain and who is willing to risk feeling it gain with the possibility of experiencing something so incredible that words fail to even begin describing it. 

I don't believe that it is love because love takes time and nurturing to grow. Love comes about as positive associations are built between two people,as attraction grows, and as precious irreplaceable memories are made between two people. What I am describing as feeling is a whole being sensation of appreciation, respect, and admiration. 

I further noticed as I was talking to my friend that with my ex-boyfriend I never actually dreamed of a life with him until after we broke up. I never dreamed of a life with him while we were together. However, with my man now (that's how I feel about him, that he is my man), I dream of all the things that we could share together. All of the activities that we could do together, and what life with him would be like. 

Even more so, I realized that I never would have began this journey to understand a man's needs (generally speaking) are in a relationship and what their fears are if I had never experienced any of my pains and sufferings as well as the joys and loves of the past year. I would most likely have been content with not understanding. And yet, if I never made the decision to really understand a man's needs and fears, I could never give my man the compassion and understanding that he deserves. 

I believe that compassion has become rare. It's not everywhere. If it were then no one would spend their lives searching for it. 

In talking to my friend today, I also thought about why it was that I wanted to be in a relationship again. After all I had told myself, "Going through the pain of a break up fuckin' sucked! I don't ever want to go through that again." And I don't. What I found was that I wanted to feel like I was loved and valuable. I wanted to feel like I could be safe enough with a man to have children. And what I realized was that in order to get that, I first had to be willing to be vulnerable. 

I have to be willing to be vulnerable first.

If I am not willing to be vulnerable first and to care enough about where this relationship goes, how can I ever expect this man to be inspired to want to be deeply committed to me? As far as I'm concerned, I can't. 

You see, I believe that if we don't have at least a basic understanding then we can't really have compassion for another person.

Take a second to think about it. If you are in a friendship or romantic relationship and you feel that the person who you are with doesn't  understand you, do you feel like they care about you? Do you full filled and loved? Do you feel like they have compassion for you? Really ask yourself these questions and really look for the core answers to these questions. 

For me the answer is no. When I feel that a person doesn't understand me that I'm not important to them or that they don't really care about me but rather they care about how they appear to other people. 

However, I also believe that sometimes, it can be difficult to understand some perspectives or experiences and feelings when we ourselves haven't had similar experiences or feelings before. In fact, even when two people have experienced similar situations or feelings there can still be some misunderstanding. I believe this is because every single one of us has our own perspective or own lens through which we see life.

Share your thoughts and feelings below!