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It’s been some time since I have written to you all. I’ve been so busy this past month that I can’t believe how fast the month has gone and that we have entered the wonderful season of everything pumpkin (pumpkin latte anyone?). It’s no wonder that the month has flown by with everything that has been happening recently. Starting a new job, meeting new people and nurturing lasting relationships, coming up with a research proposal and thus a senior project. It’s both amazing and terrifying how quickly time passes. Recently, I’ve even had some time to relax and do some fun girly things. However, lately one topic has really been dominating my thoughts.

What does it mean to me be emotionally open?

That is to say what does it mean to me to not be guarded emotionally? And furthermore, what does it take for me to be open and honest about my emotions? And how does my expression of emotions affect the people around me? How does it affect how I carry myself?

You see, sometimes I really feel that I can be all talk—like because I tell someone to be confident and to not worry, that I should always be confident and never worry. That I should never have any insecurities or get embarrassed or feel humiliated about something that has happened. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. That feeling that perhaps you’re nothing but a fake. That feeling of doubt that you’re actually doing the opposite of what you intended. Y’know that feeling. It was interesting for me, as I was recently laying in bed thinking about my man and how I was very much upset about not seeing him for four months (I had gone home to Southern California two weeks after meeting him for three months). Anyways, I was lying in bed one night and I was crying because I had had a really rough week and I was crying because I wanted nothing more than to see him. I became naggy and demanding—I wanted him to come and see me, but I it had never even crossed my mind that I could make the effort to go and see him. I was lying there and I realized that I love this man. I love that he works so hard and that he is so focused (while I am often a bit scattered) that he is so understanding and forgiving.

I was recently talking with a friend of mine as he was getting ready to go to a party, and he said to me, “You’ve mellowed out over the summer. I don’t know what it was but it mellowed you out. You use to be a real uptight bitch. More than you are now.” I thought about it and I said, “It’s probably all the shit that went down with Tyler (my ex)” and he said, “Probably.” I thought about it some more and I told him, “You know what, I owe Tyler. If it wasn’t for him and the awful crap that followed after the break up, I don’t think that I could have had any compassion for Kevin and what he’s gone through.” You see, the man that I love so much as suffered greatly. He was once engaged and then his ex-fiancé break it off with him. Telling him that she wanted to sleep with other men. I won’t pretend to get it because I don’t get it. I don’t believe that I will ever get the aching pain that must accompany such an awful experience. However, I do believe that I can have compassion for him. I believe that if I had never experienced heart ache that I couldn’t even begin to have compassion for him. I also believe that, from my heart of hearts, that we don’t stop loving our past loves, rather we make more love and give more love.

Yet, I know that love isn't alway smooth or always on a high note. I believe that love is having respect for my partner and for myself through the highs and the lows. The thick and the thin. I am an emotional being–an emotional spirit. I experience many emotions in a week and in a single week. It's perfectly normal for me. However, I also know that my soul holds on to past events, past feelings. From time to time these past feelings come forth from their deep depths. Occasionally, I worry that I project these past emotions onto people who are currently in my life.