Howdy Y'all! I'm not entirely positive as to how to go about approaching this post as admittedly this may read more like a journal than a blog post that is meant to be shared with thousands of people. You see, recently I have been feeling a lot anxiety. I'm not talking about the mild types of anxiety that people often report living with, but rather this anxiety seems to be a whole being experience. I feel it in my body and in my soul when I am not distracting myself with classes or physical activity. For me, when I feel an emotion, especially an emotion that can be described as being difficult or painful to feel, I really feel it in my body. My throat begins to tense up and I get this feeling of being heavy and like I'm not supported by the ground under my feet. That is to say that I really freak out! Admittedly, if I were left to my own devices I would probably drive myself insane sometimes! Literately.
Recently, this has been the case. As was mentioned in an earlier blog post (A Little Lesson That I Learned), I have been somewhat involved with an absolutely incredible man. While I was home with my family I spent a lot of time with them, so there wasn't much in the way of anxieties in response to the lack of texts/calls. At first it was very scary as when I was dating my ex I was so used to getting a text from him nearly every day. In many ways it was reassuring to hear from him daily. However, this is not the case with my man. While I don't like that I don't hear from him all the time (many woman wouldn't like this), I logically know that he has his own life. Emotionally though the little girl inside of me is kicking and screaming, "Why doesn't he just at least say hi! It's been three weeks!" This little girl is terrified and would rather go with a man who wouldn't really encourage her to grow. I believe that this little girl will always be there and she certainly serves a purpose. Just what it is I don't really know. Now, I know that if I really want the man of my dreams, that I have to let myself really feel the anxieties and fears that I am facing. Perhaps, I need to really let myself cry it out or scream into a pillow and release the tension that has built up in my body.
At times, I know that I am subconsciously comparing my man now with my former man. For me, this is a problem because I then subconsciously place blame on my man for the pains felt from another man. I'm blaming Kevin for something Tyler caused him. Perhaps, I never really fully felt the pain that came from perceiving Tyler ignoring me. The woman that I am continually growing into believes from the bottom of her heart that Kevin doesn't deserve that. She truly believes that he deserves a woman who will do her best to understand him and his challenges and his fears and desires. On some level we both deserve it. That is to say that I deserve to have fewer anxieties and he deserves to have compassion (something that can't be given without first understanding). Not too long ago I was reading an article on Renee Wade's blog. In the article she said something along the lines of, "When you feel pain in your relationship it's a sign that you need to grow." Now perhaps, all my anxieties in this past week are because I need to grow more into the woman that I imagine myself being.
Now, I should probably ask myself, "Just what kind of woman am I aiming to be?" The woman that I imagine myself being is a woman who can really feel her pains and her joys because without the pains she would never appreciate the joys. A woman who knows at her core that she is a lovely and loving woman who has so much respect and admiration for her man. A woman who puts her man, her children, her family and herself as top priorities. A woman who loves herself so much that for her the only option is to continue growing because she refuses to go backwards. A woman who really helps people (I'm actually thinking about starting another blog once I finish my education that helps to make more sense of the confusing and overwhelming world of neuroscience). A woman who can look at her failures and genuinely say that she doesn't regret it. After all, how could she possibly appreciate the successes, whatever they may be, if she never experienced failure and disappointments. Perhaps, not a woman who has it all, but a woman who loves what she is living and a woman who loves her life. I must admit I want my cake and I damn well want to it too!
Keeping this in mind, this past week I feel like I have been moving backwards for the most part. For example, I feel like I have been nagging my man to come over and help me or to spend time with me. From what I learned (and probably actually need to go back and redo) I feel like this probably sounds to him something like, "Hey I'm reeeeaaaaallllly needy! I'm going to lock you up in a basement and cut your balls off and put them in a jar right in front of your face! I'm going to take away your life and your freedom!" Even as a woman, the idea of having someone controlling every aspect of my life is extremely off putting. In many ways, I imagine that it would make men and women feel like they are trusted or that they are incapable of doing anything. Now, that doesn't sound like it would make me feel loved and appreciated. And I don't imagine that it would make him feel trusted, respected, appreciated, or like he can keep his freedom! I know for me, I definitely want to honor both his needs and my needs. I know that it is totally possible for both needs and desires to be fulfilled by a single human being. That is to say that it is possible to honor his need for freedom, trust, and respect while honoring my need for security, love and safety. Getting back on track, while I was nagging him it hit me while I was lying in bed and feeling bad for myself that I don't really need his help to put anything away or to finish moving. That's not what I really wanted at all. What I really wanted (and still do) is to see him. The truth is, that deep down, I really just miss him. Yet, I am so afraid of being that vulnerable with him.
Do I really care about where this goes? Or would I rather take the safer path and not show him my vulnerability and really show him how I feel all because I'm so worried about showing up as low value. Well, doesn't worrying so much about being low value make me low value? That is I have worried myself so much about nagging him and not adding any value, that I haven't really added any value to his life. Equally, as bad, this worrying as caused me to not be authentic and genuine with him. It says I value my fears over him. Deep down that's not what I want I'm just scared. I'm scared that I'll mess this up and that I'll never have the beautiful babies that I want. That I'll never have security or the love of a man that I so desperately desire.
I really am doing myself and my man a disservice in lying to myself. If I'm so busy lying to myself how can I possibly be open to him? I can't. He deserves to have a woman who will be honest and open with him. Not just in thought but in actions as well.
Feel free to leave a comment below and share any experiences that you have had. Any thoughts or feelings welcomed!
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